Responsibilty and Love

salam alaykum..
maaf,lama tidak meng-update blog ini..(lebih kepada diri sendiri maaf ni:P)
lama berjanji dengan diri sendiri untuk update,tetapi tiada idea yang menarik untuk dikongsi..

namun ada beberapa benda yang menjadi tonik semangat untuk menulis..hari ini we will learn a little bit inside me..

being the first son in my family,people often think I'm the matured one because I'm the "abang" in the family..even I'm addressed myself as abang in my family..:P..but notthey are wrong..I'm not that kind of person..I hate responsibility,and I often ran away from it..I hate the fact that I'm the first child,I hate the fact that I have to become responsible for everything..

because (I consider) my parents are strict,I suffered quite a handful of discipline action,in order to so-called educating me to be example for my younger siblings..(I used to hate this before,now i understand it)..worst,I blame to everyone around me things that I can't do nor afraid to do..never ever think i could be the one to blame too..I become narcissistic,a super-confident about my own way,playing around like a headless chicken and that I don't have to be responsible just because I want it that way...

I'm afraid,so afraid to do mistake..
I'm so careful and hate to lose and be wrong..
I'm just doing things that I like,I have confident with and things that 100 percent would be in favor for me..

now what have all of that to do with taking responsibility??

i think,if u not ready to take risks,never bother about taking responsibility!

it doesn't come cheaply,it come with risks!!

So many things around me and involves me,would never happen without responsibility..

because of it,my parents took the risk agreed to wed early..(19 and 20)..
because of it,all lecturers and teachers of me,never failed to give advice for the best of me..
because of it,even the captain of my team show so much affections in taking care of all us(even maybe in quite a weird way :P)

I now understand it,how beautiful it is,how it such a lovely feeling for that to happen..
I might be correct,responsibility gives u hard time and quite a headache sometimes..but i believe the rewards indeed is unexplainable..:)

because i believe it such a beautiful feeling to have some to depends on you..
being responsible never came out from being forced,it comes from LOVE..
yes u read it right,L-O-V-E..
you are not willing to take risks,because u are forced too..NO!
because u care,and u love them,so u willing to take risks for them!

I questioned myself,for what sake all the thing I've done??is this wholeheartedly,or just I'm doing it for the sake of myself??I've been thinking about it,and how I ashamed to even think about it!!
It seems like I have played with everybody hearts and feeling,that they think I'm a person that can be rely too,where in fact I'm doing it halfheartedly..seems like I'm the jerkiest dude ever! :(

don't get me wrong,i wont go that lovey-dovey puppy love area..
I grace love with all my respect and heart..I'm not just referring love in a lovely romantic movies way,I'm describing love as universal - its around you!

father+mother+siblings..
grandma+granpa..
Friends..
lecturers+teachers..

I've been blessed with them,and all their love towards me,with all of them taking their respective responsible towards me a their should too,wholeheartedly and in a very positive manner..

I'm ashamed that it took me this long to say this..

Yes,I'm willing to take the risks now..
Yes,I want people to start depending on me..
Yes,I do realised now..

I WANT TO TAKE THE RISKS AND THE RESPONSIBILITY NOW!

i will not be afraid to be wrong..
i will not be ashamed of it..
i will try to learn from my mistake and improvise myself..
insyaAllah..:)

I'm hoping for the moment where I can't proudly saying out loud to everyone

"you guys can DEPENDS ON ME"

the D-Day would come eventually,insyaAllah..